Category Archives: Current

Christmas Magic

When I was a child, as the days of autumn shortened and the nights lengthened we would settle into our home and begin to bake. Cranberry bread, nut loaf, banana bread, sugar cookies, fudge, green cornflake wreaths, and rice Krispies snow men would line the cupboards. It was a quiet, busy time of preparation all leading up to the most magical night of the year, Christmas Eve.

The ritual of Christmas Eve was always the same. It would begin with a feast: steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, sautéed mushrooms and onions, frozen corn, and rolls. When dinner ended, us little ones would hurry off to our baths. Once our hair was squeaky clean and our bodies scrubbed, we would wrap our bodies in a towel and rush to our bedrooms. There we would squeal with delight as we found new pajamas. Once again, the elves had snuck in our bedroom window as we bathed, and left new pajamas on our pillow. We would quickly put them on and run to model them in the dining room, where the adults sat enjoying Christmas cookies. After a cookie or two, we put out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk for Santa. Then we were marched upstairs to bed, where we were warned that if we did not fall asleep, then Santa could not come.

And so we waited for Christmas to come. We had gone to bed to a house that was filled with the delicious aromas of our feast, but otherwise looked the same. And when we finally fell asleep and Santa arrived, he not only brought presents, but he turned our home into the magic of Christmas. He would place a beautiful Christmas tree in the corner of the living room and decorate it with lights, ornaments and tinsel. He would hang streamers in the dining room and mistletoe in the doorways, and a twinkling elf in the window. Christmas had arrived!

One of the adults would then rush up the stairs yelling to us, “Hurry, Hurry! Santa is just leaving. If you are quick you might see him on the roof!” In our sleepy daze we would run to the window near the steps that looked out over the roof where our chimney stood and through the ice would try and try to search for a sign of Santa. We were always a little too slow and a little too late and every year we just missed him. There was no time for disappointment; however, because we knew that just down those stairs the magic of Christmas awaited us. As we ran down the stairs and burst through the door there it was. There it was! The tree, the lights, the music, and piles and piles of presents, Christmas had come.

Now as an adult, with a little boy of my own, we still use the dark time of year to prepare for the light of Christmas. We bake our favorite Christmas treats and wait for the light to return. We have decided that it is too much work for Santa to decorate our tree and house and deliver gifts not only to our house but to everyone else’s, too. So we help him out by decorating our home and tree on the Winter Solstice, Dec. 21st. On Christmas Eve, we take our showers and baths before, instead of after, dinner and those elves have managed to find me every year, no matter where I have traveled or lived. Each year they still delight me and now my husband and son as well, with warm and cuddly new pajamas. Our dinner is still a feast that includes steak and mushrooms and onions. New traditions have emerged and have been added to the old, creating our own unique family tradition. And the magic remains.

And so, during this Christmas season, I honor Santa’s beloved elf, Jane. With deep gratitude I give thanks for her light that still shines.

My dear mom, Jane,
died on Sept. 14, 2005.
Her spirit of magic and surprise lives on.
Merry Christmas.

“The light still shines in the darkness,
and the darkness has never put it out.”
-John 1:5

You’re God, Mommy

One lazy morning, as you and I snuggled in bed, I whispered to you, “Sam, do you ever see your angels or guides around you?” Startled by such a question, you quickly replied, “No!” “How about God, do you ever feel God’s presence deep inside you?” Your eyes softened and with such tenderness you looked at me and said, “When I’m with you, Mommy.” Then you snuggled in closer and hugging my arm you whispered, “You’re God, Mommy.”

Energy rushed through me and before thinking I blurted out, “Oh no, Sam. God loves you even more than I do.” Shaking your head back and forth you replied “That’s not possible, Mom.”

My heart almost burst with love for you. “Oh, Sam, you are right. I love you so, so much. How could God possibly love you any more than I do? It is not possible. But God’s love is more pure. Sometimes I get impatient with you or I get intolerant or frustrated. Sometimes, I growl at you and get cranky. Sometimes I get distracted and forget to take you in. I forget to listen and be present to you. God doesn’t, Sam. God is always present, always loving and always delighting in you just the way you are. “

I could barely breathe as we finished our conversation. I lay their holding you in my arms overwhelmed by the deep realization that as your parent, I am your first experience of the divine. How I parent you will forever color how you relate to God. My deep prayer became that I would introduce you to a God who is loving, warm, compassionate, forgiving, fun, creative, spontaneous and loving. I wanted you to know a God who would allow you to make you own choices and to enjoy or suffer through their natural consequences. I wanted you to know that God lives deep inside you and that you would discover God’s voice in the deepest yearnings of your heart. In the deep quiet voice within you, there you will find God.

You are your child’s first experience of the divine. In their young world you are all powerful. How you parent your children will forever color their experience of God.
-KARE
July, 2004

A week after returning

I am tired – bone tired.
So tired I’d like to stay in bed for days
Easing in and out of sleep.
My eyes are heavy.
My stomach twists in knots.
My diaphragm constricts.
My breath is short and shallow,
Preventing me from going deeper
Into my sadness and shame.

What am I ashamed of?
Having so much,
Still yearning towards more,
The constant hunger for more.

I am so impatient
And I have so much.
I should be giggling with glee at my great fortune.
Instead I lament in not enoughness.

Breathe in deeper.
Deeper still.
Breathe into that place where scarcity
Cannot mask your grief.
Sit quietly as you did with Empho
And feel the gift of grief.

Grieve for the children,
Gift and Rose.
Grieve for the mothers
dying in their beds
as their children work from dawn to dusk to feed them.
Grieve for the 1 out of 3 babies
who will not see their first birthdays.
Grieve for the 80% of adults who are unemployed
and awake each day “without a purpose”.
Grieve for the children sharing sexual favors for food.
Grieve for the women who don’t dare ask their husbands to use a condom.
He will only banish her from her home
and have sex with wife number 2.
Grieve for the women who work 8 hours a day,
each day, as volunteers
caring for those who are dying.
Grieve for Cora who goes into the townships day after day
as her grief and anger challenge her sanity.
Grieve for the little girls who are raped,
the children with no parents,
the little boys who will never know a father.

And then, Celebrate the Abundance
of light in Sam’s eyes,
of steady work for Niko and I,
for a husband I trust, love and respect,
and who trusts, loves, and respects me,
for our beautiful home and strong community,
for a refrigerator that is full,
for gas heat,
electricity,
running water,
a toilet,
for too much stuff and the luxury of purging,
for health and the inconvenience of a 5 day flu,
for the burst of color in our garden,
for the opportunities to learn and grow and be me.

So much,
So much,
So many gifts given me.
God, help me to be
a good steward.