Our Polar Express took us to the winter wonderland of Lillehammer. There we were greeted by a big bear of a man, named Steinar Bryn. When Niko asked Steinar how old he was, he replied that he was as old as Santa Claus. In fact, he looked like he could be Santa’s son…similar shape, same twinkling eyes and gentle spirit but with a jet black mane and beard. Steinar is the senior advisor of the Nansen Center for Peace and Dialogue. He has brought together hundreds of groups in conflict, mostly from the Baltic countries. He invites them to the retreat like setting of Lillehammer and then over a 3 week period creates a safe space for them to begin to dialogue with one another. Steinar is quick to distinguish between debate and dialogue.

Most often, the first few days are spent in anger, each side trying to convince the other that they are wrong. They are not looking for a win-win outcome to their discussions, but a win-lose.If they cannot win and have their enemy lose, then they would rather have an outcome that is lose-lose than allow their enemy to win in any way. They are looking for someone to tell them that what they did was right and what the other did was wrong. When challenged by his participants as to whether he would have done the same thing, Steinar compassionately responds, “If I were you, I would have done the same thing…if I were you.” This allows the other to relax, to feel heard, to be validated in their experience. The first days of the sessions are very heated, yet it is important that each person is able to get out their anguish, and anger and pain.

With little direction, they soon discover for themselves that debate will not change anything. Only then, does Steinar present options for true dialogue. Once they begin to listen, then they begin to discover that the other is not so different from themselves and they begin to own and change their misconceptions. Steinar related the story of 2 groups gathered. One group asked the other, “Why did you not help us last winter when they turned off our electricity and we had no heat and it was below 0 outside? Why didn’t you do something? How could you let us suffer like that? They were convinced that the electricity had been turned off to force them to relocate and to push their people out of the area. The other group looked at them in confusion and replied, “Didn’t you know that we did not have electricity either?” From their dialogue and with the help of the Nansen Center, they were able to discover that the reason the electricity was turned off was because an Irish company had purchased the utilities and had turned off the electricity of anyone who was not up to date on their bill. As it often happens, in the midst of war, there was a breakdown of the utility systems. During the system of restructuring, there was no process for paying their bill and therefor, everyone was behind on their bill when the new company took over. It was not an ethnic issue or an attempt to drive them out of the area. Suddenly their enemy was not to blame, but was a victim with them in the injustice and difficulty of the situation.